Wednesday, July 05, 2006
There's a Freaking SQUIRREL in my Apt!!
That's right, folks, there's a squirrel in my apartment. Right now. In my living room. Let me back up....
7:15 pm: I was finishing up making my own breakfast bars (my own recipe for a high-protein, high-fiber breakfasty, granola-y, Cliff-bar-y, breakfast bar) and patting them in the pan. I hear this bizarre, LOUD noise coming from the living room. I go investigate.
7:17 pm: Said noise is coming from the chimney pipe. There's definitely an animal in there, who keeps trying to climb back up the stovepipe, and then slides back down, turning the flue a bit each time with its body-weight. It's a free-standing pot-belly fireplace, with black stovepipe up and through the ceiling. I notice that the flue is turned half way. I begin to panic and ask myself, "if I try to 'shut' the flue all the way, will I inadvertantly open it?" Meanwhile my brain is screaming, "Shut all the bedroom and closet doors bc you ARE NOT sharing your bed with an animal!"
7:20 pm: Run around apartment, shutting all doors and calling for roommate Kyoko to come out and help.
7:22 pm: Watch as Squirrel proceeds to try to climb up the pipe, AGAIN, and it's body weight on the fall down pops the flue open the rest of the way. Dazed and confused Bullwinkle daintily (and in slow motion) steps out of fireplace into living room. When he realizes he's not outside, he panics.
7:23 pm: I call the non-emergency line and they put in an emergency call to Animal Control to come out and capture the crazy rabid squirrel who has just taken over my house.
7:25 pm: Roommate Kyoko and I put up a 'barricade' to try to keep the squirrel contained to the living room. We did allow space so that we could try to 'shoo' the squirrel out into the stairwell, down the stairs, and out the front door. (Yes, I know squirrels like to climb - I just needed some sort of wall to help me feel like I could control its location.)
7:30 pm: I head downstairs to hold open front door while Kyoko tries to shoo the squirrel out with a broom.
7:31 pm: Squirrel has reached panic point. Said squirrel repeatedly hurls itself at our Lazyboy, catapults itself off the the seat like its a squirrel-sized trampoline, and smashes into the window glass as he tries to leap outside. Squirrel falls down, winds up and leaps again. This happened five times before Kyoko stopped counting.
8:25pm: I call the non-emergency number to see if they got lost. The City of Chicago graciously informed me that Animal Control is 'done with work for the day by 9:30.' If they don't make it to their calls before then, you're out of luck. I ask them, "Okay...what am I supposed to do with this squirrel between now and tomorrow morning?" They said, "I don't know."
8:30 pm: I head upstairs to deliver the news to Kyoko, and decide to take matters into my own hands. I go get a mop (bc it has the longest handle) and head into the living room. All I can see is Clark Griswold, with his entire family behind him, when he's trying to capture the squirrel who came into his house on the Christmas tree. I also am seeing John Candy and Dan Akroyd, in that movie where they are staying in a cabin in the woods, and they are trying to capture a bat. Both rodents, both with catapult powers, both with teeth...I'm a little freaked out.
8:31 pm: I head in. I begin banging all the furniture, pushing the pieces around with the pole of the mop. I'm crawling all over the daggone living room and can't find the squirrel, anywhere. I begin to question Kyoko, 'Is it possible the the squirrel ran out of the living room? Do you think it knocked itself out on its last catapult/crash into the glass?' I get braver and braver in my search for the squirrel, until I relive that scene from Christmas Vacation where the squirrel is on Clark's back, and I freak out all over again.
8:40 pm: I call my Dad. His advice involved laughter and these two comments: "well, it's not going to do you much good until you find the squirrel,' and "why don't you flush it out by putting some peanut butter out in the living room?" Thanks a lot, Charles.
8:42 pm: I call Jim Dekker, my boss, who is an outdoor enthusiast. He and his wife confer, and he totally youth pastored me. I loved it! He said, "See, squirrels want to climb when they're scared. Remember, it's way more scared than you right now. It's probably clinging to the bottom of the couch, and that's why you couldn't find it. Open two windows..just two or three inches...and make sure something is in front of it that the squirrel can climb to get out. Put the peanut butter on the window sill. Turn all the lights off, and go to your room. He'll settle down and come out eventually. The sucky part is going to be that you're not going to know when it leaves. I know...I know...there's comfort in knowing that he's gone. Are you going to be okay?" I appreciate you, Jim and Christine Dekker!
8:50 pm: Kyoko and I go in, one last time, to open windows, set up the peanut butter, and shut off the lights. Oh yes, and to close the flue.
9 pm: I call information, trying to locate my landlord at their vacation home in Lake Geneva, where they're staying all summer. See, it occurred to me that the grate on the roof is broken, and that's how our friend ended up in the fireplace, in the first place. I can't locate my landlord. Heave 100th deep sigh of the night, and contemplate laughter vs tears. I really, really don't want a squirrel in my apartment.
9:30 pm: My other roommate, Jenny, gets my message about the squirrel, and calls me on her way home from work. I inform her that first thing tomorrow morning, we're getting the ladders out, climbing on the roof, and putting some plywood on top of the chimney grate. I will not be chasing any other critters around my apartment. This ain't no petting zoo!
10 pm: Best friend Amy phones me, and gets pissed at the City of Chicago for not coming out. I believe her exact words were, "What, like there's an epidemic of squirrels who fell down chimneys into people's living rooms tonight? They couldn't come in TWO HOURS?" She then proceeds to tell me that: a) "what if the squirrel is in your bed right now?, b) "Charles would have suggested that you shoot the squirrel, and then you'd have blood all over your living room," c) "you don't need to get on the roof, Alison Joy Burkhardt, because you are known for hurting yourself doing stupid things. Do I need to remind you about the slip n slide knee injury?' d) "There's a f***** squirrel in your living room!" e) "Don't feed the squirrel peanut butter, Alison. What's it going to learn, but that you're willing to feed it three squares a day?!?!" e) "I was at Megan's house when you called and left me the message about the squirrel. I tried text-messaging her to let her know that there was a squirrel in your house." (We went to high school with Megan.) and f) "This one is going down as one of my favorite Alison stories - up until now my favorite Alison story has been the Unfortunate Ohio Incident. You need to blog that one."
My one regret of the evening is that I did not get a picture of the squirrel. The best I could do was locate the video on my home page, which did make me laugh until I snorted. It also made me go, "If that squirrel doesn't get out of my house, I'm going to have to move." Enjoy!
I'm just glad that my squirrel wasn't of the German variety...
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