Jumping out of my skin

As a child, did you ever think that when you became an adult you would know everything and thus not need to 'learn' anything else? I did.

I've had a rough past couple of days. I've had a few different experiences where I've really felt devalued. I've been treated badly because of my race, age and gender, I've been cut off and not allowed to finish speaking in group projects, and have had some other people in my life not value some things important to me in the last couple weeks. Many of these situations have happened in work settings, where it's not appropriate for me to stand up for myself.

I also realized today that men only valuing me for what I might offer, physically, is another form of devaluation to me. It's probably the one I find most offensive. I've been so confused and frustrated the last two weeks due to all of the above that I've only been getting about 4-5 hours of fitful, restless sleep each night. I've also found it nearly impossible to pray or journal for almost two weeks.

All of that added up to my biting the head off a fellow student in my night class tonight. My reaction to how she treated me was totally justified, but my physical reaction threw me for a loop. I was so angry, I was shaking. A physical reaction to an emotional issue. I've got to learn how to handle feeling or being devalued by others.

That got me to thinking about my friends. I can get so hurt by close friends when I feel devalued by their actions. I've never really been able to articulate that it makes me feel devalued, and that I need them to hear that I feel devalued by their actions instead of getting angry and defensive. Listening to me does not equal agreeing with me or changing how they do things, but it does equal respecting me. I can't expect others to value me if I don't value myself enough to share when I feel devalued.

In the words of our campus pastor, Judy Howard Peterson, "I want to experience the peace that makes no sense," and stop feeling like I'm about to jump out of my skin.