Thursday, March 29, 2007

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

This can't be real...

These are hilarious...

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!



Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Dells

I'm having a GREAT time. A great time. I've got a million pictures to post, and will, along with great postings to read, next week.

Because I obviously can't spend an entire week without internet, I am at an internet cafe in the small town near my cabin. The internet is so slow that I'm convinced it's dialup or the slowest dsl lines that you can get, which are essentially juiced up dialup. LOLOL =)

Quick thing to make you all laugh - I was hiking this morning at a state park, and there was a playground down by the lake. There were tire swings. You may or may not know that I MUST swing on any and all tire swings that come my way. I often stop at highway rest stops because they have the best ones. (My favorites are the ones that are the entire tire, hung with three chains horizontal to the ground.) These were the rubber seat/tire swings. I swang for over an hour, because the view was phenominal, the sun was out, the sky was clear, the birds were chirping, and the leaves were rustling and I could hear the water rushing. Who remembers swinging being such a workout when you're little? I guess you always had someone pushing you. Let's just say that when I got off the swing, I almost fell down bc my quads and groin muscles were like jello. I pretty much burst out laughing and then went and laid down on the 'uneven bridge' on the playground and listened to the sounds while the feeling came back in my legs (albeit not good feeling!) =)

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Happy 30th Birthday to Me!

So my actual birthday is Sunday, but the bday festivities kind of started last night at Harry...Candy took me out to dinner ahead of time. I also came home to find a package from Amy, with my cute new wall-hanging. Thanks, Princess!!

Tonight, my Sunday Night Friends took me out to Garcia's (really good Mexican food in Lincoln Square) - their quesadillas are INSANELY good...best I've ever had... Then we came back to my house for some drinks and fun. I had gone out and bought some stuff for Amaretto Sours, as I hadn't had those for awhile. I also went to CB2s (one of my favorite stores, EVER) and bought a cute mixed drink set. Brian brought a bottle of Tequila Rose and margarita mixins. It was fun. The craziest part was my present - they got me a new MP3 player. I was so touched - my ipod quit working awhile ago, and I've been missing having one...so these guys got me one. It's so nice, and I've already played with it. I love it.

It dawned on us, tonight, that it has been about a year since we started hanging out together so often. I love this group - they've become like family. =) Love you guys!!!!

I also found a gift from my roommate, which was a supercute, supernice pink waterbottle and some decaf Starbucks. =) That literally made my day - I've been out of decaf for awhile, and I like to have a cup of coffee after my dinner but won't if I don't have decaf.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Sweet Harry Boy...

So last night's Harry Connick, Jr. concert was....amazing. I know that's a highly overused word, but it's true.

I need to give my props to Meghan C-B, who gave me tickets. She ushered me in and introduced me to a staffer named Drew, "Who will take care of you guys." About ten minutes later, he walks up to me and Candy in our seats and says, "Meghan says to get you guys as drunk as you can without falling over the railing," hands me four free drink coupons and tells us to come see him if we need more. At the end of the concert, Drew was standing behind me with a Harry Connick Jr coffee mug and tells me that Meghan wanted to make sure I got it. She's so great. =)

Harry mainly sang songs from his new album NOLA. MSN music had it available to listen to for free last week, and you bet your booty that I listened...and listened...and listened. He wrote a song about his first visit to New Orleans after the hurricanes that gave me goosebumps. There's a line in it that says, "Damn...I was so scared that I held the hand of a crazy man standing next to me....Damn...he wasn't crazy and I wasn't scared...at that moment we were brothers sharing."

Lucien Barbarin was there, and it was so much fun. Three words describe Lucien...oh...my...gosh. Unbelievably talented and has an incredibly sexy, raspy voice. Check out his website. He and Harry had a BLAST out there together. Harry was dancing all over the stage, and at one point during a saxophone solo, Harry and Lucien were whispering...all of a sudden both of them jumped with their backs to the audience and started doing a tap/booty dance. I DIED laughing. I turned to Candy and said, "he could stand there and do nothing but look pretty and everyone in the house would go WILD!" It was so much fun. I thought my Detroit concert was the best thing, ever, but this one was greater. He gave so much of himself, personally in this one. He said that was part of the reason he wrote this album.

At one point he was playing on an old upright piano, and telling us about the pianist he used to jump in and play with back in his house when he was a kid. He talked about this one woman whose name I can't remember, and said she pretty much hated him. She wouldn't scoot over on the piano seat for him to sit down, and only let him play on about 15 keys at the top of the piano. Then he says, "You know those throat lozenges, Sucrets? She used to eat those, and wad up the wrappers and throw them at my head." I laughed and laughed and laughed. Can you imagine some woman putting up with a young boy because of his father, and throwing wrappers at his head while he played piano? Too funny.

During his encore, he made us laugh until we cried because he decided to bring out his newest band member. He starts playing slow, romantic music and making up a song that basically went a little something like this, "I love you, Jeff.....Jeff, you're amazing....Jeff, you're the man for me!!!!" He was singing this while his backstage crew was trying to find Jeff. He actually stopped at one point and burst out laughing and said, "I don't know why I'm doing this - I never have before...he's been with us two weeks and I want him to have recognition...he's the one band member who looks less like a jazz musician than I do...he took a break from working as the father of the incredibles in the incredibles on ice tour and he's probably going to quit, now, that I've embarrassed him like this." All around fun and such a great time.

Before he left the stage, he blew a kiss into the audience. It was totally all for me for my birthday. =)

I said it before, and I'll say it again. I.....heart....Harry....Connick....Jr.

Deep sigh - another great memory on the books. Thanks, Candy, for sharing it with me!!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Feels like heaven...washing over me


I love that song by Peter Cetera and Chaka Khan.

Know why it feels like heaven? Because tonight is when I go see HARRY CONNICK JR!!!! Yes, the handsomest man of handsometown. The jazziest band leader of jazzertown, where jazzercise is the only form of cardio. Where scatting, tap dancing on sand, and brass instruments reign supreme. Oh yes, I'm going to see my baby tonight.

I...heart...Harry...Connick...Jr.

I have free tix (thanks Meghan C-B!!). The last time I saw him was with Ms. Wendy Karen H. (abbreviating to avoid cyber stalkers) in Detroit at the Detroit Opera House. We had free tix, then, too. We got to meet him afterwards, and I made him laugh. I believe what did it was when I said, very exitedly, "You're my new best concert, EVER!" WKH, however, said "thank you" when he gave her his autograph. When he said, "you're welcome," she squished her shoulders up to her head, spun around and squealed in the highest pitch tone, ever, "HE SAID YOU'RE WELCOME!" That made him laugh, too. =) I love you, WKH! She is the only one who truly understands my love and affection for HCJ. Our ridiculousness was over the top that night. Near the end of his concert, it got quiet for a second and we screamed, a la 13 yr olds at a Justin Timberlake concert, "We love you, Harry!" (Pausing while you finish laughing.) He attempted to see out there to who is was, and said, "Thank you - I love you, too!"

He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to divorce Jill Goodacre and marry me. =)

Monday, March 12, 2007

What the Shizzle?!?!?

Seriously? Seriously....are they back? They never were fashionable. They were comfortable, but sticky-icky with the sweat, and would pack in some heat from the sunshine like nobody's business. And let us not forget how it hurt like a bitch if a rock got in there.

I found these on Urban Outfitters website. NOT OKAY!!!!

Cheaper by the Dozen 2

It was cute. If you have elementary to junior high aged kids, they'll love it.

It smacked of Father of the Bride so much that you can't avoid it. This sequel featured much less on the family quirkiness and much more on the father's inability to let his girls grow up. The oldest is pregnant and about to give birth, the second oldest just graduated college and wants to move to New York, and the third oldest is now 13 and is trading her athletic clothing/ways for girlishness and dating.

The Apprentice LA

So does anybody still watch The Apprentice?

I've been watching it, but have been somewhat disappointed. Last night, I heaved a deep sigh and said, "I wish this was like it used to be: a little less game show and a little more job interview." The Apprentice was unique because it was all about the job, and less about reality/game show. Donald Trump wasn't letting producers tell him what to do or how to do it. Now it's just gotten out of hand.

The losing team has to sleep, cook and bathe outdoors while the winning team stays in this glamourous mansion. They are constantly moving back and forth, and weather conditions aren't exactly conducive to a good night's sleep for a productive work day.

The challenges have been somewhat bizarre, and the winning team's project manager remains the project manager on the next task. In fact, they remain PM until they lost a task. The losing team gets to pick a new PM. I don't like it - and I don't think it's a good way for Trump to know what his applicants' skills are.

This bizarre game has caused a tribal element to each team. There wasn't any corporate re-shuffling until a couple weeks ago, when one person (Surya) was asked to move from one team to the other. He went over to the losing team (who hadn't won a single task) who had developed this tribal element. They immediately didn't like him because he was an outsider, and began to pick on him in the most elementary of ways. It has progressively gotten worse, until he was fired last night. During the board room, he suggested he should step down and let someone else be PM, bc the team would work better that way. That's what caused him to get fired, not his performance. (The team began winning when Surya came over and became PM.) Trump and Bill Rancic (who was his 'eyes and ears' on this task) were totally calling out this team for picking on Surya.

It was at the very end of the episode that one of the other teammates began to recognize that it wasn't all about Surya being annoying, and that they weren't being fair. (And trust me, he is annoying, but he's a smart guy and a good task manager and worker.) In fact, I swear I almost saw a tear come out of this guy's eye at the end. I said to myself, "I don't want to be mean, but I hope this team watches this episode and is appalled at their behavior." It was like junior high male "pick out the guy we don't like and publicly tear him apart." Another good word for Surya is he handled all that pressure unbelievably well. For the most part, he ignored it and was still able to function quite well within the group.

You go, Surya, for being the bigger man and letting these fools' true colors come out on national television. =)

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock

Remember that Friends episode where Phoebe goes to change her last name after she marries Mike? She ends up finding out that she can change her name to whatever she wants, and she chooses Princess Consuela Banana-Hammack. Mike has to change his name to Crap Bag to get her to realize the importance of having her regular name. This game makes me think of that episode.

My new name is Dorky Chuckledoodle. It fits, no?


Here is your dose of humor...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

So:-
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = dotty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pan ts
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.